“I love watching a powerful dancer.”
– My A level (college) dance teacher’s comment that still perplexes me over a decade later.
Powerful associated negatively
Writing the words, it seems like a compliment, and I would like to believe that it was the manner of which he’d wished to have taken it….. but my default reaction was to feel low, shamed. That at 5ft 3, 60kg he must be insinuating that I was too big to be a graceful dancer.
How f#^ked up is that?!
Due to an inability (I’ve tried) to block out the conditioning of an alcoholic father, that repeatedly told me I’m “fat, stupid and lazy” [logical mind knows that his words only have power because I gave them mine], the term powerful, became an insult to me, although always strived for; kickboxing, business owner, a need to shock and differ from the norm. The meaning I’ve given the word itself may just be the thing holding me back.
The Facilitator
Cue Henare O’Brien.…10 years after 1st being called powerful, this other teacher dares to do it again. It forces me to reflect on the meaning I have put on it & realise, I’m sexist against women! Let me explain…
I have been looking at being powerful as a male complement, that for me to be given this message from men, seemed to me that I couldn’t be sexy or desirable, in my mind feminine. Reality slap – why was my mind defaulting to women being aesthetic objects and that to be called anything other than which pertains to outward appearance was insulting.
You see, really really F#^ked Up!
Step in conditioning… another repeated message I was absorbing from my father and father substitutes was that what mattered to a man about a woman first and foremost is how slim she was and how that directly related to how pretty she was.
What a load of bollocks (I’m a POM, say it with a British accent to get the full effect)!
I’ve always considered myself strong minded, so how the heck did I let such twaddle in?
The power I’ve given to people that no longer have any presence in my life still echoes in every day but the AWARENESS of it has allowed me to reclaim my power and become truly powerful.
What rubbish are you still holding onto from bad conditioning? What have you done to combat it? Comment Below.